Judgement – The Day after?
by (G) Arrain - Lieutenant Arrienye t'Merek & Lieutenant Bridget Stapleton
Post Details
::ON::
Kaelin arrived for work five minutes late that morning, missing his morning coffee with Bridget. It wasn't on purpose, but he'd gotten so little sleep the night before, he had barely been able to drag his body out of bed. He hadn't even been that aware of when he'd put his uniform on, and only realized he was even at work in the first place when the nurse told him he was a little late. It seemed like his body had gone on autopilot.
Work wasn't too busy, and Kaelin spent most of his shift ordering his intern around, before finally settling the poor clumsy boy at a lab table with some DNA sample work. Before long, it was once again lunch time and, as Kaelin exited the lab after hanging up his coat, he felt a strange tightness in his stomach at the realization that he and Bridget had lunch plans made before the fiasco that was yesterday's intervention. In the reception hall he looked around, hoping to spot the woman. He still wasn't completely okay with what had gone down at the restaurant, but he'd forgiven Ai'lani. It only seemed fair that Bridget got the same treatment, even though his feelings for her weren't the same as his feelings for the other Deltan.
Bridget had her nose stuck in a padd as she walked toward the nurses' station. Absorbed in researching a treatment, she was only peripherally aware of the people around her, and walked right past Kaelin without noticing him.
Kaelin raised an eyebrow, a little confused but amused by her concentration. He crossed his arms over his chest and stared at Bridget's back for a moment as she walked past him, still staring at the padd.
"Aren't I supposed to be the one doing the ignoring?" he teased, catching up to her.
"Huh?" She recognized the voice and she stopped in her tracks to look around for the speaker, blinking away her previous thoughts. Her eyes landed on his face. "Oh, hi Kaelin. I wasn't ignoring you. I was--" she held up the padd. "Gall bladder complications and just checking options before we go in."
"But it's lunch time," Kaelin told her simply, giving her a meaningful look, hoping she'd catch on that he actually wanted to go with her. That said, he was happy that she wasn't defensive or withdrawn. Well, from what he'd gathered in the one sentence she'd said.
She looked at the chrono on the wall and her eyes went wide. "Oh man!! I had no idea it was that late. I've had one hell of a day already." She gave a small smile, wondering what was going on and why they were having such a pleasant conversation. Kaelin's emotional about-face was throwing her for a loop.
"So? You coming with me or what?" he asked, returning her smile with a half-smile of his own.
Torn, she both wanted to, and didn't. She wasn't sure what to expect, and part of her wanted to put her walls up. But that was instinct... "Sure. I just gotta get this patient taken care of. Meet you there?"
"Sure," Kaelin nodded. "I'll be in the corner seat by the window," he reminded her before leaving the Infirmary.
Luckily, the seat he loved most was free and Kaelin rushed over to it, taking a seat with it's back against the wall. He never really enjoyed seats that were in the middle of restaurants, preferring more secluded locations. Mostly it was because he always felt a surge of anxiety eating in public in general, and being in the middle of everyone just made him feel exposed.
Twenty minutes later, he saw Bridget enter the restaurant, still wearing her white lab coat over her uniform. She paused a second before seeing him at the far table. As she strode forward, he noticed a guarded look come over her features. But just as quickly she covered it with a smile - one that he sensed wasn't entirely genuine.
As she sat, a loose lock of curly auburn hair fell in front of her eyes. She automatically tucked it behind her ear as she said, "Hey," a little breathlessly. "You ordered yet?"
"No, I was waiting for you," Kaelin replied, taking a menu.
The lock of hair stubbornly fell back in front of her eye and she blew a gust of breath at it. "Dangit, I need a haircut." Making awkward small talk as she picked up her menu, she didn't know what to expect from the Deltan and she was steeling herself in case of another outburst.
"No, what you need is to relax. I'm not about to burst into flames of anger here. I promise," Kaelin assured her, an honesty present in his eyes that he hoped she could pick up.
She set the menu down and looked up at him, pausing to search his features. "Then you've had a change of heart in the last 24 hours," she suggested.
"Of a sort. There's nothing positive to be gained by alienating or culminating dislike for another person, even if I have a dislike for their actions. And it seems unfair of me to settle things with Ai'lani and not you," Kaelin explained with a small shrug, not really knowing how else to explain his decision.
"Whatever dislike you have for my actions, Kaelin, I had honorable intentions. I was willing to risk your ire because I care about you."
Her eyes flicked to his hand, and she had an urge to reach out and touch him, an extension of the heartfelt intensity of her friendship. But she resisted, aware of the constant - and frustrating - reminder that he was Deltan.
"I understand that, Bridget. I really do. And I'm grateful. I just wish you had come to me before telling others about it," Kaelin told her, looking down at his menu. "I just don't like telling people about my private life," he added before putting the menu down. "How about we get that pizza we would've eaten yesterday?" he suggested.
"I am not going to eat that whole thing myself, while you take two bites," she said, her tone serious.
"I won't take two bites. I promise. I don't usually like eating in public, but I'm getting better," Kaelin told her with a slight frown. "Is this how it's going to be from now on?" he asked more quietly. "Are you going to keep analyzing my every bite?" His tone wasn't angry or accusatory, but hurt with a hint of embarrassment. This was why he didn't like anyone knowing.
"Of course not," she said, frustration in her voice. "I don't plan on taking notes and secretly reporting back to Ben, if that's what you're implying." She looked away, unable to meet his eyes.
"I wasn't. I'm sorry," he told her, blushing, the usually confident, collected Deltan looking more vulnerable than she'd ever seen him.
"Look," she said, her voice tight. And then she sighed, aiming her mixed emotions at the bit of hair that had fallen forward again. She brushed it to the side with a flick of her fingers. "I'm hearing you about feeling like your privacy was violated. Okay, I get that. Or at least I'm trying to." Coming to the surface were feelings she hadn't thought through, and she allowed them to color her voice.
"Yesterday you said I don't know you well enough to be entitled to know your business. Fine. I'm not going to push the issue." Her voice took on a hurt tone. "I won't ask you questions about it. I won't talk to Ben about it. You can go ahead and keep your privacy wrapped in an enigma. But don't lie to me and say you will do one thing, intending to do another. And don't do normal things like offering to split a pizza when you know you won't really eat your half of it. I'd rather have brutal honesty from you and have you tell me to mind my own damn business like you did yesterday, than have you pussy-footing around an issue and hope I won't notice, or hope to just brush it under the rug, just to keep peace between us. I know too much now to be fooled by that."
"Alright, you want honesty? Fine. I've been in treatment for the last three years. Am I perfectly healthy? Physically, yes. Mentally, not completely. That's why I have a therapist that I go to instead of laying all of my problems for you to solve. And you don't know what I am or am not capable of, so don't try to assume things like just how much I'm willing to eat," Kaelin told her.
Her eyes flashed and she leaned back, folding her arms. "Whatever. Eat the whole damn pizza, for all I care. I'm not hungry any more."
"Well, now I don't want it either," Kaelin huffed, matching her pose. "What the hell are we even fighting about?" he asked, honestly upset and hurt that his effort for them to put this behind them and move on blowing up in his face.
"Because you don't trust me and it hurts my feelings."
"Trust you with what? My private life? My mental health? What?" Kaelin asked.
"Yesterday you could have just said, 'thank you for caring but I'm already aware I have an issue and I've taken steps to address it,' or something like that. But instead you had to go all towering inferno on me. Not that I didn't expect it, but still. And then this morning you approach me like nothing's happened and you wanna go out to lunch. How am I supposed to take that? I don't know who you are. Really I don't. And I guess you don't have to explain yourself because I'm not entitled to know, nor am I even entitled to make assumptions, apparently."
"I wasn't angry that you cared enough to confront me. I was angry because you didn't come to confront me before looking for professional help for me and telling other people about my business. How would you like it if I went to some third party and told them about something so personal but not quite accurate?" Kaelin asked her. "And I'm sorry for not being angry with you for a long time and ignoring you. But that's who I am. I don't hold grudges against people who I know acted with good intentions."
She took a long sigh through her nostrils, letting his words sink in. After a moment, she lowered her voice and spoke slowly in an attempt to steady her tone. "I'm not going to apologize for talking to Ben and Pia about it. They are professionals, and they aren't going to blab a single word, in spite of your unfounded accusations yesterday. Talking to them was the right thing to do, whether you like it or not. You know as well as I do that Anorexia is a potentially life threatening illness with a high degree of denial on the part of the person in question. As far as the accuracy, you do have Anorexia, so what I told them was proven to be true. I just didn't know you were already in treatment. It was a simple matter to tell Ben that information this morning and bring the issue to a close. He even deleted the case file he'd started. End of story." She cocked her head sideways at him. "Or is it just that your pride is wounded because a few of us now know you aren't perfect, we know you have a vulnerability?"
"Maybe," Kaelin allowed. "After all, it certainly wasn't people smothering me with affection that made me hate myself, was it?" he asked rhetorically, picking up the menu again. "I need caffeine. I haven't slept all night," he said offhandedly, punching in his usual order for lunch as well as a strong coffee.
"You're deflecting," she accused. Her tone was mild, though - and cautious. They were getting into deep water, and he dangled bait in front of her. She was both curious about the lack of affection... and his lack of sleep. On second thought, she reconsidered the lack of sleep. Picking up the menu, she forced her vivid imagination away from his need for coffee and the reason behind it.
"Yes I am," Kaelin just confirmed. "I don't want to talk about it any more. Today, anyway," he explained. "I also have to drop by Ai'lani's quarters before going back to work to check on him. He was a mess last night. That's why I haven't gotten a wink of sleep."
"I can imagine," she said, her face deadpan.
"What do you mean?" Kaelin asked, confused. Did she actually know or was she being sarcastic?
"Never mind," she said, holding the menu up as if concentrating, but her intent was actually to partially block his view of her blushing cheeks.
With one hand she grabbed the rebellious curl to stuff it behind her ear again, and with the other she laid aside her menu to punch in an order for a pastrami sandwich and an iced tea. "So is he better today?"
"Not really. His body is fighting off the inhibitor injections so he's still sick," he explained and looked up to see her flushed face. The corner of his mouth rose into a half-smile and he eyed her mischievously. "And for you information, Ai'lani and I have never had sex," he revealed, leaning in a little.
She felt her brain grab that bit of information and gulp it down in one bite like a hungry shark, while at the same time her mouth dropped open in surprise. "Wha???" was all she said.
Kaelin couldn't help the slightly unattractive snort that came out of his mouth at the look on her face. "What? We haven't. It just never felt right with me having no pheromones. It wouldn't be satisfying for either of us. And now with him on them..." he trailed off as their orders arrived.
"Jeez. And I thought Human relationships were complicated," she said, shaking her head slightly.
"We could do it, but it would be...physical," Kaelin explained with a small shrug.
She had her sandwich halfway to her mouth when he said that. Quickly the blush flew up her face again as unwanted images rose to her mind, and she held up a hand. "No, don't tell me. I don't wanna know." Actually a part of her did, but she was doing her best to stuff that down. Damn her infernal curiosity!
Kaelin grinned. "Okay," he said in a teasing tone, biting into his own sandwich. "You know, if you want to hang around Deltans, you're going to have to get used to talking about sex sooner or later," he told her after he swallowed his bit and took a sip of coffee. "Or we could always tip toe around the subject when we're around you." His tone was still teasing, bordering on playful, something Ai'lani exhibited more than Kaelin.
"Don't tempt me," she groaned. A second later, her face a deeper shade of red at an altogether different image, "That's not what I mean. I mean... aww you know what I mean," she said, flustered.
Doing her own bit of deflection, she redirected the conversation back to Ai'lani and the inhibitors. "So you said the drugs are making him physically sick?"
Kaelin grinned at her change of subject for a moment before his look softened. "Yeah. It's normal. Our bodies aren't meant to run this way so there's a period of adjustment. Our hormones go crazy. Ai'lani's an emotional wreck. I don't really like leaving him alone, but I have to work, and Dominic has school. So I'm taking time to check up on him every hour. Dominic came to see me last night, worried about him. So, I let Dominic sleep in my quarters while I went to spend the night with Ai'lani," Kaelin explained.
"I'd be glad to check on him for you," she offered suddenly, without thinking. A warning bell went off in the back of her head: what was she thinking!? She wanted to roughly push those thoughts aside and believe her offer had been one strictly of friendship and not overlaid with... with what? But she couldn't deny her body's reaction to the earlier mental images, and she squirmed uncomfortably in her seat.
"I don't know," Kaelin said, a bit uneasily. Ai'lani wasn't himself, he was emotionally confused and more vulnerable than ever. "I'm sure I can handle it," he assured her, not wanting to put his friend into someone else's care. It wasn't that he didn't trust Bridget. It was the fact that she couldn't understand what Ai'lani was going through, the emotional turmoil that only someone of his own kind could help him through. He also couldn't deny the feelings he was getting from Bridget. He didn't know whether to comment or not, but they were hardly encouraging him to let her near Ai'lani in his current state.
"Honestly, I don't think him taking these injections serves any kind of big purpose. He's perfect, just the way he is."
She shrugged noncommittally. "Well, he said it was for the best. He didn't explain that, though."
"He did it for you. Because he knows that your husband wouldn't be comfortable with the two of you being friends if he didn't use the injections," Kaelin said bluntly.
She raised an eyebrow, and her voice went soft. "I had hoped it wasn't that."
"Well it is. He didn't want the two of you to continue being friends if your spouse was unhappy with it. That's why he went to see him. And when Edward became upset with him, he figured maybe the injections aren't such a bad thing. Ai'lani actually took an inhibitor injection. He's one of the main spokesmen against them, so it's not like he just had a sudden change of heart."
She didn't know what to say. On the one hand, she was deeply grateful that Ai'lani valued her friendship that much. And on the other, she felt bad that she was the reason he was going through the side effects of taking the drug. Well, actually both she and Edward were the reason. It was becoming a rather uncomfortable triangle.
"I'm appreciative of the effort he's going through, you can tell him that."
"I will. I'm also going to tell him to stop taking them," Kaelin told her, sipping his coffee.
Both her eyebrows went up at this news. "And the reason is....?"
"He's perfect just the way he is. And what's the point of only being friends with someone after they've changed who they are for you?" Kaelin asked. "I can't just sit around and watch him do something he hates to change himself when there's nothing wrong with him in the first place."
She bristled a bit at the implied accusation. "I never told him to change for me. He made this choice on his own; no one forced him into it." Her voice was low, but flat.
"I never said you forced him into it. I just think that instead of saying "thank you" you should tell him to not do it," Kaelin explained.
She shook her head, her hackles settling back down. "No, I'm not going to do that. I mean... I hate that he has to endure the side effects. But I appreciate what he's doing, because it makes it easier to be around him. Just like it's easier to be around you." A corner of her lips lifted in a barely perceptible smile, "Sometimes."
"If I had a choice, I wouldn't take them. And I wouldn't force this on anyone," Kaelin told her seriously. "But I have to. Ai'lani doesn't. Bridget, I don't mean this to sound like I'm arguing with you or whatever, but it's really insulting and hurtful when people tell you that giving up who you are makes you easier to be around," the Deltan explained, the hurt evident in his voice.
She tilted her head to the side and leaned forward, her elbows on the table and her voice low. "The thing is... you've entered into the service of the Fleet willingly and with foreknowledge of what would be required of you, like taking the inhibitors. You considered the cost and chose to accept it; whether you liked it or not wasn't the issue. You can't blame the system, because you weren't conscripted to enter the service in the first place."
She lifted her glass and took a quick sip. "With Ai'lani, it's not the same thing. He could choose not to take them, any time he wants. I never told him that I wouldn't be his friend if he didn't take them, either. He's making this choice of his own free will, with no requirement to anyone to do it."
"No one requires me to do it, Bridget. I took an oath of celibacy when I joined the Fleet. That was a requirement. The inhibitors aren't. I took them because people treated me like I had the plague. The other cadets were uncomfortable around me so they avoided me. A couple followed me around like lovesick puppies. When I graduated, patients were uncomfortable being treated by me," Kaelin named slowly. "So no, no one told me I had to take inhibitors. But I come from a society that's very big on social contact, so alienation hit me hard and after I entered into my treatment program, I decided maybe I should give the inhibitors a try," he explained.
"And Ai'lani won't want to be around you knowing that Edward doesn't like it, which he's made very clear he doesn't."
"Huh. Thanks for telling me the Fleet doesn't require it. I'd been misinformed." There was a slight surprise in her voice. "Still... I can't imagine you didn't know that Humans and other races would react to your pheromones that way. Didn't your people tell you what would happen, even before you entered the service?"
She pushed her nearly empty plate toward the side so that she could rest her hands on the table. "All I'm saying is, you can't expect to have freedom without consequences. I know to you it seems harsh to have to conform to a sexually repressed society that isn't as evolved as you are. But think about it from the other perspective. What about those individuals who fall hopelessly in love with you, and you with them? You both will be suffering from the inability to consummate that love, because to do so could cause their minds or bodies irreparable harm."
"I can fall in love with someone without my pheromones, you know. And people can fall in love with me," Kaelin pointed out knowingly, looking down at his plate.
"But I'm not the subject here. Ai'lani is," he said, changing the subject. "And Ai'lani shouldn't subject himself to this. Which is why I'm going to talk him out of it. Ai'lani is a Deltan civilian and I think you should learn to adapt. He should keep his pheromones at a minimum. Luckily, his output is only about 60% of what his body produces so his minimum is quite bearable for anyone. In return, I think you should try and adapt and convince yourself that any sexual feelings or desires you have for him are purely because of the pheromones. They only affect another species sex drive."
"The main reason I'm taking inhibitors is because my output is very high which, while being a very good thing on my planet, gets me into trouble around other species."
"I agree he should keep them at a minimum, she said, nodding with Kaelin's point. But you know him - he's got a mischievous streak, and he doesn't always keep it under control." She vividly recalled the first meeting she'd had with the journalist, and how he'd allowed a surge of his pheromones when they were introduced. The recollection brought color back to her cheeks.
"Bridget. Has he ever done anything inappropriate towards you? Something to directly hurt you with that intention?" Kaelin asked.
"No, that would be malevolent. I'm talking about mischievous. On more than one occasion, he's kissed my cheek, knowing full well the effect that has on a person. And he did it even when I'd asked him not to," she pointed out. "He seems to think he can just grin and get away with things."
"Probably because he can," Kaelin said with a small shrug. "But, I agree. He shouldn't have kissed you after you told him not to. But, Bridget, you have to understand. Deltans are extremely physical. It's the main way we show affection for the people we love. It's instinct and it's difficult for us to keep our hands to ourselves. And a kiss on the cheek is hardly inappropriate. You are friends after all and it's harmless. Besides, doesn't the feeling show you his feelings for you?" Kaelin asked semii-rhetorically. He knew that most people thought Deltans touching or hugging and kissing them was purely sexual when it wasn't. It was just that they didn't know any other way to express their feelings or show them to another person, even when they knew that person might not fully understand. It was instinctive. Hell, the only reason Kaelin didn't do it was because of the many negative reactions he's gotten.
"I agree, it does show he cares for me and enjoys my company. I care for him too, and same thing - he's fun to be around. But the problem comes in where his pheromones get into the mix. We've had this discussion before, Kaelin. And we just disagree on it. I don't like going around sexually stimulated because of his pheromones, especially while I'm at work. It's distracting and makes concentrating harder."
"Well then maybe you two shouldn't be friends. Because I'm going to do everything in my power to convince him to not take those injections. And considering he hates them, I can't see that being difficult," Kaelin told her not unkindly, but firmly.
She frowned, her lips pressed against one another. Why did everything have to be so damn difficult with these two? "You do what you feel is right, Kaelin." What more could she say, really. She didn't want to lose Ai'lani as a friend. She would miss him, and seeing Kaelin every day would be a painful reminder.
"But just know that I'm not going to tell him anything about the two of you. If you want to be his friend even when he's off inhibitors, fine. But if you don't, you'll have to tell him because in the end you should do what you feel is right too," Kaelin told her.
She shrugged noncommittally, not knowing whether to be angry with Kaelin or not. Either way, she would have to deal with whatever the outcome was. She pressed the button for her tab and when the screen showed the payment rectangle, she placed her thumb onto it. "Time to get back and see how my patient is doing."
"And I need to go check on Ai'lani," Kaelin said, feeling the tension in the air as he paid for his own lunch. He wasn't sure what was in store for the two of them right now, whether he and Bridget would still be friends or not. He, although he knew it was unfair, left that up to her. He had no problems with Bridget. And Ai'lani had no problems with Bridget. And concerns in their friendship were purely hers, so he left the decisions up to her whether she was willing to look past their differences or not.
"Okay, well...." she let the word trail off. "See you." She turned to go, feeling his eyes on her, but not wanting to turn around and start the frustration all over again.
::OFF::
JP by
Ensign Kaelin Niers
Resident Pathologist
Deep Space Five
and
Ensign Bridget Stapleton
Doctor (General Practitioner)
Main Sickbay - DS5
by (G) Arrain - Lieutenant Arrienye t'Merek & Lieutenant Bridget Stapleton
Post Details
| Title | The Day after? | |
| Mission | Judgement | |
| Author(s) | (G) Arrain - Lieutenant Arrienye t'Merek & Lieutenant Bridget Stapleton | |
| Posted | Tue Dec 06, 2011 @ 2:33pm | |
| Location | Officer's Club | |
| Timeline | SD40, 13:11 |
Kaelin arrived for work five minutes late that morning, missing his morning coffee with Bridget. It wasn't on purpose, but he'd gotten so little sleep the night before, he had barely been able to drag his body out of bed. He hadn't even been that aware of when he'd put his uniform on, and only realized he was even at work in the first place when the nurse told him he was a little late. It seemed like his body had gone on autopilot.
Work wasn't too busy, and Kaelin spent most of his shift ordering his intern around, before finally settling the poor clumsy boy at a lab table with some DNA sample work. Before long, it was once again lunch time and, as Kaelin exited the lab after hanging up his coat, he felt a strange tightness in his stomach at the realization that he and Bridget had lunch plans made before the fiasco that was yesterday's intervention. In the reception hall he looked around, hoping to spot the woman. He still wasn't completely okay with what had gone down at the restaurant, but he'd forgiven Ai'lani. It only seemed fair that Bridget got the same treatment, even though his feelings for her weren't the same as his feelings for the other Deltan.
Bridget had her nose stuck in a padd as she walked toward the nurses' station. Absorbed in researching a treatment, she was only peripherally aware of the people around her, and walked right past Kaelin without noticing him.
Kaelin raised an eyebrow, a little confused but amused by her concentration. He crossed his arms over his chest and stared at Bridget's back for a moment as she walked past him, still staring at the padd.
"Aren't I supposed to be the one doing the ignoring?" he teased, catching up to her.
"Huh?" She recognized the voice and she stopped in her tracks to look around for the speaker, blinking away her previous thoughts. Her eyes landed on his face. "Oh, hi Kaelin. I wasn't ignoring you. I was--" she held up the padd. "Gall bladder complications and just checking options before we go in."
"But it's lunch time," Kaelin told her simply, giving her a meaningful look, hoping she'd catch on that he actually wanted to go with her. That said, he was happy that she wasn't defensive or withdrawn. Well, from what he'd gathered in the one sentence she'd said.
She looked at the chrono on the wall and her eyes went wide. "Oh man!! I had no idea it was that late. I've had one hell of a day already." She gave a small smile, wondering what was going on and why they were having such a pleasant conversation. Kaelin's emotional about-face was throwing her for a loop.
"So? You coming with me or what?" he asked, returning her smile with a half-smile of his own.
Torn, she both wanted to, and didn't. She wasn't sure what to expect, and part of her wanted to put her walls up. But that was instinct... "Sure. I just gotta get this patient taken care of. Meet you there?"
"Sure," Kaelin nodded. "I'll be in the corner seat by the window," he reminded her before leaving the Infirmary.
Luckily, the seat he loved most was free and Kaelin rushed over to it, taking a seat with it's back against the wall. He never really enjoyed seats that were in the middle of restaurants, preferring more secluded locations. Mostly it was because he always felt a surge of anxiety eating in public in general, and being in the middle of everyone just made him feel exposed.
Twenty minutes later, he saw Bridget enter the restaurant, still wearing her white lab coat over her uniform. She paused a second before seeing him at the far table. As she strode forward, he noticed a guarded look come over her features. But just as quickly she covered it with a smile - one that he sensed wasn't entirely genuine.
As she sat, a loose lock of curly auburn hair fell in front of her eyes. She automatically tucked it behind her ear as she said, "Hey," a little breathlessly. "You ordered yet?"
"No, I was waiting for you," Kaelin replied, taking a menu.
The lock of hair stubbornly fell back in front of her eye and she blew a gust of breath at it. "Dangit, I need a haircut." Making awkward small talk as she picked up her menu, she didn't know what to expect from the Deltan and she was steeling herself in case of another outburst.
"No, what you need is to relax. I'm not about to burst into flames of anger here. I promise," Kaelin assured her, an honesty present in his eyes that he hoped she could pick up.
She set the menu down and looked up at him, pausing to search his features. "Then you've had a change of heart in the last 24 hours," she suggested.
"Of a sort. There's nothing positive to be gained by alienating or culminating dislike for another person, even if I have a dislike for their actions. And it seems unfair of me to settle things with Ai'lani and not you," Kaelin explained with a small shrug, not really knowing how else to explain his decision.
"Whatever dislike you have for my actions, Kaelin, I had honorable intentions. I was willing to risk your ire because I care about you."
Her eyes flicked to his hand, and she had an urge to reach out and touch him, an extension of the heartfelt intensity of her friendship. But she resisted, aware of the constant - and frustrating - reminder that he was Deltan.
"I understand that, Bridget. I really do. And I'm grateful. I just wish you had come to me before telling others about it," Kaelin told her, looking down at his menu. "I just don't like telling people about my private life," he added before putting the menu down. "How about we get that pizza we would've eaten yesterday?" he suggested.
"I am not going to eat that whole thing myself, while you take two bites," she said, her tone serious.
"I won't take two bites. I promise. I don't usually like eating in public, but I'm getting better," Kaelin told her with a slight frown. "Is this how it's going to be from now on?" he asked more quietly. "Are you going to keep analyzing my every bite?" His tone wasn't angry or accusatory, but hurt with a hint of embarrassment. This was why he didn't like anyone knowing.
"Of course not," she said, frustration in her voice. "I don't plan on taking notes and secretly reporting back to Ben, if that's what you're implying." She looked away, unable to meet his eyes.
"I wasn't. I'm sorry," he told her, blushing, the usually confident, collected Deltan looking more vulnerable than she'd ever seen him.
"Look," she said, her voice tight. And then she sighed, aiming her mixed emotions at the bit of hair that had fallen forward again. She brushed it to the side with a flick of her fingers. "I'm hearing you about feeling like your privacy was violated. Okay, I get that. Or at least I'm trying to." Coming to the surface were feelings she hadn't thought through, and she allowed them to color her voice.
"Yesterday you said I don't know you well enough to be entitled to know your business. Fine. I'm not going to push the issue." Her voice took on a hurt tone. "I won't ask you questions about it. I won't talk to Ben about it. You can go ahead and keep your privacy wrapped in an enigma. But don't lie to me and say you will do one thing, intending to do another. And don't do normal things like offering to split a pizza when you know you won't really eat your half of it. I'd rather have brutal honesty from you and have you tell me to mind my own damn business like you did yesterday, than have you pussy-footing around an issue and hope I won't notice, or hope to just brush it under the rug, just to keep peace between us. I know too much now to be fooled by that."
"Alright, you want honesty? Fine. I've been in treatment for the last three years. Am I perfectly healthy? Physically, yes. Mentally, not completely. That's why I have a therapist that I go to instead of laying all of my problems for you to solve. And you don't know what I am or am not capable of, so don't try to assume things like just how much I'm willing to eat," Kaelin told her.
Her eyes flashed and she leaned back, folding her arms. "Whatever. Eat the whole damn pizza, for all I care. I'm not hungry any more."
"Well, now I don't want it either," Kaelin huffed, matching her pose. "What the hell are we even fighting about?" he asked, honestly upset and hurt that his effort for them to put this behind them and move on blowing up in his face.
"Because you don't trust me and it hurts my feelings."
"Trust you with what? My private life? My mental health? What?" Kaelin asked.
"Yesterday you could have just said, 'thank you for caring but I'm already aware I have an issue and I've taken steps to address it,' or something like that. But instead you had to go all towering inferno on me. Not that I didn't expect it, but still. And then this morning you approach me like nothing's happened and you wanna go out to lunch. How am I supposed to take that? I don't know who you are. Really I don't. And I guess you don't have to explain yourself because I'm not entitled to know, nor am I even entitled to make assumptions, apparently."
"I wasn't angry that you cared enough to confront me. I was angry because you didn't come to confront me before looking for professional help for me and telling other people about my business. How would you like it if I went to some third party and told them about something so personal but not quite accurate?" Kaelin asked her. "And I'm sorry for not being angry with you for a long time and ignoring you. But that's who I am. I don't hold grudges against people who I know acted with good intentions."
She took a long sigh through her nostrils, letting his words sink in. After a moment, she lowered her voice and spoke slowly in an attempt to steady her tone. "I'm not going to apologize for talking to Ben and Pia about it. They are professionals, and they aren't going to blab a single word, in spite of your unfounded accusations yesterday. Talking to them was the right thing to do, whether you like it or not. You know as well as I do that Anorexia is a potentially life threatening illness with a high degree of denial on the part of the person in question. As far as the accuracy, you do have Anorexia, so what I told them was proven to be true. I just didn't know you were already in treatment. It was a simple matter to tell Ben that information this morning and bring the issue to a close. He even deleted the case file he'd started. End of story." She cocked her head sideways at him. "Or is it just that your pride is wounded because a few of us now know you aren't perfect, we know you have a vulnerability?"
"Maybe," Kaelin allowed. "After all, it certainly wasn't people smothering me with affection that made me hate myself, was it?" he asked rhetorically, picking up the menu again. "I need caffeine. I haven't slept all night," he said offhandedly, punching in his usual order for lunch as well as a strong coffee.
"You're deflecting," she accused. Her tone was mild, though - and cautious. They were getting into deep water, and he dangled bait in front of her. She was both curious about the lack of affection... and his lack of sleep. On second thought, she reconsidered the lack of sleep. Picking up the menu, she forced her vivid imagination away from his need for coffee and the reason behind it.
"Yes I am," Kaelin just confirmed. "I don't want to talk about it any more. Today, anyway," he explained. "I also have to drop by Ai'lani's quarters before going back to work to check on him. He was a mess last night. That's why I haven't gotten a wink of sleep."
"I can imagine," she said, her face deadpan.
"What do you mean?" Kaelin asked, confused. Did she actually know or was she being sarcastic?
"Never mind," she said, holding the menu up as if concentrating, but her intent was actually to partially block his view of her blushing cheeks.
With one hand she grabbed the rebellious curl to stuff it behind her ear again, and with the other she laid aside her menu to punch in an order for a pastrami sandwich and an iced tea. "So is he better today?"
"Not really. His body is fighting off the inhibitor injections so he's still sick," he explained and looked up to see her flushed face. The corner of his mouth rose into a half-smile and he eyed her mischievously. "And for you information, Ai'lani and I have never had sex," he revealed, leaning in a little.
She felt her brain grab that bit of information and gulp it down in one bite like a hungry shark, while at the same time her mouth dropped open in surprise. "Wha???" was all she said.
Kaelin couldn't help the slightly unattractive snort that came out of his mouth at the look on her face. "What? We haven't. It just never felt right with me having no pheromones. It wouldn't be satisfying for either of us. And now with him on them..." he trailed off as their orders arrived.
"Jeez. And I thought Human relationships were complicated," she said, shaking her head slightly.
"We could do it, but it would be...physical," Kaelin explained with a small shrug.
She had her sandwich halfway to her mouth when he said that. Quickly the blush flew up her face again as unwanted images rose to her mind, and she held up a hand. "No, don't tell me. I don't wanna know." Actually a part of her did, but she was doing her best to stuff that down. Damn her infernal curiosity!
Kaelin grinned. "Okay," he said in a teasing tone, biting into his own sandwich. "You know, if you want to hang around Deltans, you're going to have to get used to talking about sex sooner or later," he told her after he swallowed his bit and took a sip of coffee. "Or we could always tip toe around the subject when we're around you." His tone was still teasing, bordering on playful, something Ai'lani exhibited more than Kaelin.
"Don't tempt me," she groaned. A second later, her face a deeper shade of red at an altogether different image, "That's not what I mean. I mean... aww you know what I mean," she said, flustered.
Doing her own bit of deflection, she redirected the conversation back to Ai'lani and the inhibitors. "So you said the drugs are making him physically sick?"
Kaelin grinned at her change of subject for a moment before his look softened. "Yeah. It's normal. Our bodies aren't meant to run this way so there's a period of adjustment. Our hormones go crazy. Ai'lani's an emotional wreck. I don't really like leaving him alone, but I have to work, and Dominic has school. So I'm taking time to check up on him every hour. Dominic came to see me last night, worried about him. So, I let Dominic sleep in my quarters while I went to spend the night with Ai'lani," Kaelin explained.
"I'd be glad to check on him for you," she offered suddenly, without thinking. A warning bell went off in the back of her head: what was she thinking!? She wanted to roughly push those thoughts aside and believe her offer had been one strictly of friendship and not overlaid with... with what? But she couldn't deny her body's reaction to the earlier mental images, and she squirmed uncomfortably in her seat.
"I don't know," Kaelin said, a bit uneasily. Ai'lani wasn't himself, he was emotionally confused and more vulnerable than ever. "I'm sure I can handle it," he assured her, not wanting to put his friend into someone else's care. It wasn't that he didn't trust Bridget. It was the fact that she couldn't understand what Ai'lani was going through, the emotional turmoil that only someone of his own kind could help him through. He also couldn't deny the feelings he was getting from Bridget. He didn't know whether to comment or not, but they were hardly encouraging him to let her near Ai'lani in his current state.
"Honestly, I don't think him taking these injections serves any kind of big purpose. He's perfect, just the way he is."
She shrugged noncommittally. "Well, he said it was for the best. He didn't explain that, though."
"He did it for you. Because he knows that your husband wouldn't be comfortable with the two of you being friends if he didn't use the injections," Kaelin said bluntly.
She raised an eyebrow, and her voice went soft. "I had hoped it wasn't that."
"Well it is. He didn't want the two of you to continue being friends if your spouse was unhappy with it. That's why he went to see him. And when Edward became upset with him, he figured maybe the injections aren't such a bad thing. Ai'lani actually took an inhibitor injection. He's one of the main spokesmen against them, so it's not like he just had a sudden change of heart."
She didn't know what to say. On the one hand, she was deeply grateful that Ai'lani valued her friendship that much. And on the other, she felt bad that she was the reason he was going through the side effects of taking the drug. Well, actually both she and Edward were the reason. It was becoming a rather uncomfortable triangle.
"I'm appreciative of the effort he's going through, you can tell him that."
"I will. I'm also going to tell him to stop taking them," Kaelin told her, sipping his coffee.
Both her eyebrows went up at this news. "And the reason is....?"
"He's perfect just the way he is. And what's the point of only being friends with someone after they've changed who they are for you?" Kaelin asked. "I can't just sit around and watch him do something he hates to change himself when there's nothing wrong with him in the first place."
She bristled a bit at the implied accusation. "I never told him to change for me. He made this choice on his own; no one forced him into it." Her voice was low, but flat.
"I never said you forced him into it. I just think that instead of saying "thank you" you should tell him to not do it," Kaelin explained.
She shook her head, her hackles settling back down. "No, I'm not going to do that. I mean... I hate that he has to endure the side effects. But I appreciate what he's doing, because it makes it easier to be around him. Just like it's easier to be around you." A corner of her lips lifted in a barely perceptible smile, "Sometimes."
"If I had a choice, I wouldn't take them. And I wouldn't force this on anyone," Kaelin told her seriously. "But I have to. Ai'lani doesn't. Bridget, I don't mean this to sound like I'm arguing with you or whatever, but it's really insulting and hurtful when people tell you that giving up who you are makes you easier to be around," the Deltan explained, the hurt evident in his voice.
She tilted her head to the side and leaned forward, her elbows on the table and her voice low. "The thing is... you've entered into the service of the Fleet willingly and with foreknowledge of what would be required of you, like taking the inhibitors. You considered the cost and chose to accept it; whether you liked it or not wasn't the issue. You can't blame the system, because you weren't conscripted to enter the service in the first place."
She lifted her glass and took a quick sip. "With Ai'lani, it's not the same thing. He could choose not to take them, any time he wants. I never told him that I wouldn't be his friend if he didn't take them, either. He's making this choice of his own free will, with no requirement to anyone to do it."
"No one requires me to do it, Bridget. I took an oath of celibacy when I joined the Fleet. That was a requirement. The inhibitors aren't. I took them because people treated me like I had the plague. The other cadets were uncomfortable around me so they avoided me. A couple followed me around like lovesick puppies. When I graduated, patients were uncomfortable being treated by me," Kaelin named slowly. "So no, no one told me I had to take inhibitors. But I come from a society that's very big on social contact, so alienation hit me hard and after I entered into my treatment program, I decided maybe I should give the inhibitors a try," he explained.
"And Ai'lani won't want to be around you knowing that Edward doesn't like it, which he's made very clear he doesn't."
"Huh. Thanks for telling me the Fleet doesn't require it. I'd been misinformed." There was a slight surprise in her voice. "Still... I can't imagine you didn't know that Humans and other races would react to your pheromones that way. Didn't your people tell you what would happen, even before you entered the service?"
She pushed her nearly empty plate toward the side so that she could rest her hands on the table. "All I'm saying is, you can't expect to have freedom without consequences. I know to you it seems harsh to have to conform to a sexually repressed society that isn't as evolved as you are. But think about it from the other perspective. What about those individuals who fall hopelessly in love with you, and you with them? You both will be suffering from the inability to consummate that love, because to do so could cause their minds or bodies irreparable harm."
"I can fall in love with someone without my pheromones, you know. And people can fall in love with me," Kaelin pointed out knowingly, looking down at his plate.
"But I'm not the subject here. Ai'lani is," he said, changing the subject. "And Ai'lani shouldn't subject himself to this. Which is why I'm going to talk him out of it. Ai'lani is a Deltan civilian and I think you should learn to adapt. He should keep his pheromones at a minimum. Luckily, his output is only about 60% of what his body produces so his minimum is quite bearable for anyone. In return, I think you should try and adapt and convince yourself that any sexual feelings or desires you have for him are purely because of the pheromones. They only affect another species sex drive."
"The main reason I'm taking inhibitors is because my output is very high which, while being a very good thing on my planet, gets me into trouble around other species."
"I agree he should keep them at a minimum, she said, nodding with Kaelin's point. But you know him - he's got a mischievous streak, and he doesn't always keep it under control." She vividly recalled the first meeting she'd had with the journalist, and how he'd allowed a surge of his pheromones when they were introduced. The recollection brought color back to her cheeks.
"Bridget. Has he ever done anything inappropriate towards you? Something to directly hurt you with that intention?" Kaelin asked.
"No, that would be malevolent. I'm talking about mischievous. On more than one occasion, he's kissed my cheek, knowing full well the effect that has on a person. And he did it even when I'd asked him not to," she pointed out. "He seems to think he can just grin and get away with things."
"Probably because he can," Kaelin said with a small shrug. "But, I agree. He shouldn't have kissed you after you told him not to. But, Bridget, you have to understand. Deltans are extremely physical. It's the main way we show affection for the people we love. It's instinct and it's difficult for us to keep our hands to ourselves. And a kiss on the cheek is hardly inappropriate. You are friends after all and it's harmless. Besides, doesn't the feeling show you his feelings for you?" Kaelin asked semii-rhetorically. He knew that most people thought Deltans touching or hugging and kissing them was purely sexual when it wasn't. It was just that they didn't know any other way to express their feelings or show them to another person, even when they knew that person might not fully understand. It was instinctive. Hell, the only reason Kaelin didn't do it was because of the many negative reactions he's gotten.
"I agree, it does show he cares for me and enjoys my company. I care for him too, and same thing - he's fun to be around. But the problem comes in where his pheromones get into the mix. We've had this discussion before, Kaelin. And we just disagree on it. I don't like going around sexually stimulated because of his pheromones, especially while I'm at work. It's distracting and makes concentrating harder."
"Well then maybe you two shouldn't be friends. Because I'm going to do everything in my power to convince him to not take those injections. And considering he hates them, I can't see that being difficult," Kaelin told her not unkindly, but firmly.
She frowned, her lips pressed against one another. Why did everything have to be so damn difficult with these two? "You do what you feel is right, Kaelin." What more could she say, really. She didn't want to lose Ai'lani as a friend. She would miss him, and seeing Kaelin every day would be a painful reminder.
"But just know that I'm not going to tell him anything about the two of you. If you want to be his friend even when he's off inhibitors, fine. But if you don't, you'll have to tell him because in the end you should do what you feel is right too," Kaelin told her.
She shrugged noncommittally, not knowing whether to be angry with Kaelin or not. Either way, she would have to deal with whatever the outcome was. She pressed the button for her tab and when the screen showed the payment rectangle, she placed her thumb onto it. "Time to get back and see how my patient is doing."
"And I need to go check on Ai'lani," Kaelin said, feeling the tension in the air as he paid for his own lunch. He wasn't sure what was in store for the two of them right now, whether he and Bridget would still be friends or not. He, although he knew it was unfair, left that up to her. He had no problems with Bridget. And Ai'lani had no problems with Bridget. And concerns in their friendship were purely hers, so he left the decisions up to her whether she was willing to look past their differences or not.
"Okay, well...." she let the word trail off. "See you." She turned to go, feeling his eyes on her, but not wanting to turn around and start the frustration all over again.
::OFF::
JP by
Ensign Kaelin Niers
Resident Pathologist
Deep Space Five
and
Ensign Bridget Stapleton
Doctor (General Practitioner)
Main Sickbay - DS5