Judgement – Close but no cigar
by (G) Arrain - Lieutenant Arrienye t'Merek & Alderman Yolanthe Ibalin
Post Details
::ON::
His humiliation and anger burning inside him, Kaelin could barely wait to get to his quarters to finally have a proper meltdown. He'd tried to get his mind to think that Ai'lani and Bridget had the best of intentions but found himself unable to truly focus enough to do it properly. On the way to his quarters, he opened the comm line to Lash.
“Hey, Lash, it’s Kaelin. I’m going to have to cancel tonight’s plans. I’m not feeling well so I’m off to my quarters for the night. Sorry. I’ll talk to you soon.”
The message was quick and to the point as Kaelin didn’t trust himself to say much more. He was sure he’d passed several people he knew but didn’t say anything and they could clearly see his distress by the way he hurriedly made his way to the deck his quarters were on. Unlocking his door, Kaelin was once again thankful that he and his roommates often had opposite shifts so he’d be alone until the much later in the day. Once inside, the pathologist took his jacket off and tossed it aside, wanting to take a shower in the hope of relaxing his muscles at least a little.
Lash sat back on his stool, surprised at Kaelin's brusque tone. Ordinarily he would have just shrugged and got on with whatever he was doing, which was currently drinking and waiting for the Deltan. He didn't sound right, or happy. He sat on his stool for a bit, deciding what to do. After a minute or two he finished his rum, and headed down to Kaelin's quarters and then leant on the bell until Kaelin opened it.
Fresh from the shower, Kaelin found himself annoyed at the insisted buzzing filling his quarters. Halfway through getting dressed, the Deltan stomped his way to the front door, slipping on a shirt as he did so to cover himself before opening the door. He blinked in surprise, seeing Lash there.
"Didn't you get my message?" he asked once he got over it.
Lash stepped forwards, meaning to give the Deltan a bear hug, thinking calming, happy thoughts, childhood memories filled with love and and steadiness.
But Kaelin instinctively took a step back to avoid the closeness. "What are you doing?" he asked with a slight frown.
Lash froze, and the same look of confused hurt Kaelin had seen when Lash had first tried to kiss him came back into his face. "I just wanted to give you a hug. You look liked you needed it."
"No thanks," Kaelin said, going inside his quarters, leaving the door open in a silent invitation for Lash to join him. As upset as he was, he really didn't want to be alone, even though he knew he wasn't going to be good company.
A little hurt and a lot confused, Lash followed him in. "What happened?"
"I got into a fight with some friends. It's nothing. You want something to drink?" Kaelin asked, turning to look at Lash as he reached the replicator.
"Brandy Alexander, frozen" Lash said. "What happened?"
"It doesn't matter. You wouldn't understand," Kaelin told him, replicating their drinks and handing Lash his. He didn't mean for his tone to sound condescending but once it was said, he couldn't deny its presence in his voice.
"Who said anything about understanding. I want to know who to punch for ruining my date."
"Yeah, that's mature," Kaelin said sarcastically, rolling his eyes in frustration, whatever hope he had of maybe Lash being mature enough for him to tell him anything more about himself flying out the airlock. In retrospect, he'd come to realise it was just the hurt from betrayal that made him so touchy but at that moment, he could just tell this conversation was going to go downhill fast.
"More mature than sulking in my room." Lash replied brightly. "Least its tackling the issue head on."
"You don't even know what the issue is," Kaelin told him, sitting down on the couch. "And I'm not going to tell you because you're vain and shallow, remember?"
"You're not going to tell me cos you're a stubborn cuss who wants to wallow in it." Lash sucked noisily on his drink. "So nuh."
"Fine, then I assume you don't want to hang around and watch me wallow," Kaelin shot back, his tone clearly implying he had very little patience with Lash's childish behaviour. The fact that he was so annoyed right now just gave him a whole new level of hurt as he realized that any fantasy he might've been harboring about actually having anything more with Lash was impossible with the way the halfbreed acted during these types of situations.
"Fuck no." Lash sucked the last of the cocktail up through its straw with a loud and irritating noise. "But I'm going to do it anyway."
"Why?" Kaelin asked, crossing his arms over his chest after he downed his drink as well and put the glass on the table a little more forcefully than was necessary.
"Because you shouldn't be alone in this sort of mood. I've seen it with the kids in the trauma counseling sessions. I leave you alone you;ll start burning down the furniture or memorising old earthy comedy or speak in nothing but rhyming couplets and that will put me right off my stride."
Kaelin didn't say anything for a long time, and Lash could almost see the wheels turning in his head as the Deltan tried to come up with a good comeback but came up short. He knew Lash had a point, he shouldn't be alone. "Fine," he nodded.
"Good." Lash held out his glass. "Same again please."
Kaelin replicated another drink for Lash and handed it to him before sitting down again. They sat in silence for a few minutes with Kaelin watching Lash, seeming to consider him and Lash could almost feel Kaelin trying to get a read on his feelings. He finally shifted awkwardly before speaking. "Did you ever have your friends try to help you but end up making your life ten times worse?"
Lash thought about it. "No. Think the best they ever managed was a times four. Maybe a times five."
Kaelin sighed, unsure whether he found Lash's way of trying to cheer him up amusing or annoying. Like most things Lash did, coincidentally. "Well mine's a ten now. They found out I had a problem and went and told my boss. And Medical is like the place they put the first plank when they began making the rumor mill. It'll be all over the base sooner or later."
"What will?"
"That I had...problems," Kaelin managed to somehow spit out, shifting uncomfortably. He should've figured subtlety wasn't a Lash trait.
"Is it going to get you kicked out of starfleet?"
"Probably not."
"Get you demoted?"
"No," Kaelin said, slight irritation seeping into his voice.
"Defrocked or debarred or whatever they do to doctors?"
"No!"
"Then is it really a big deal?" Lash shrugged. "In a hundred years who's gonna care?"
"I'm anorexic!" Kaelin finally snapped. As the word's left his lips, he felt a bit of his internal tension ease. Although he was in no state for much deep thinking, he'd later realise this was actually the first time he'd admitted to it to someone other than his therapist using those direct words.
Lash looked like he'd had all the wind knocked out of him. "Oh." He couldn't look at the Deltan "Well, that explains the healthy food obsession."
Kaelin sighed. "Well, I'm not anorexic anymore. Well, technically I still am, but I'm not. I used to be. I've been in treatment for the last three years. I'm not in perfect mental shape but I'm not slowly killing myself and wasting away like I was four years ago," the Deltan explained. "Right now, I'm only seeing my assigned counselor once every two weeks and I'm perfectly fine. I have a healthy diet, and a healthy exercise plan. But this is my business and no one else’s."
"Except your colleagues don't seem to think so?" Lash guessed.
"Well, the other day, when I had lunch with you at that Vulcan Tea Room, I told Bridget that I was going to lunch with Ai'lani. Don't be offended, I was just worried you'd tell me to get lost and didn't want them knowing about it," Kaelin explained hastily, not wanting Lash to get the wrong idea.
"Somehow she caught up with Lani and found out about it and my fellow Deltan put together all his information on my eating habits he's gathered over the two weeks we've known each other and came up with the idea that I'm anorexic," Kaelin explained, annoyed that Ai'lani thought he knew him in just two weeks and even more annoyed that he'd hit the nail right on the head with his conclusion that Kaelin had an eating disorder. Maybe he didn't give Ai'lani enough credit as an investigator.
"And does he, as any good friend, come to speak to me about it? No, he finds Bridget, who thinks it's her sworn duty to save everyone by offering her 40-something human wisdom, and that's an oxymoron if I've ever heard one, and they decide to help me. Now, do they come up to me now? Of course not!" By now Kaelin frustration was coming back.
"They go to, get this, my boss, or in this case, the Assistant CMO, and tell him everything. They also go to the counselor's office and get me a therapist. Now, because of the doctor-patient confidentiality clause, my own private therapist can't say anything to them, of course, adding to the whole fucked up situation. Then, Bridget and Ai’lani decide to gang up on me to have an intervention that was so graceful and caring, filled with "expertise", if it had happened four years ago, I would've killed myself." By the time Kaelin finished his rant, he looked red in the face, but somehow a little more calm, happy that he'd managed to his frustrations out. He didn't know what kind of response he'd get from Lash, but he was glad for his presence anyway.
Lash rocked back slightly under the vehemence of Kaelin's frustration and anger. "That's shit." He looked around Kaelin's berth, trying to decide what to say next. "That's really shit." He looked at the Deltan with big puppy dog eyes. "Can I do anything?"
Kaelin's gaze softened slightly at Lash looking at him, wanting to kick himself for the fact that he couldn't deny the affection he had for the younger man at that moment. "Not really. You've done enough just by being able to sit there and listen to me rant and unload. I'm sorry you have to see me like this. I don't want anyone seeing me like this," he added with a sigh, flopping back down onto his couch next to Lash and resting his head back, closing his eyes a moment. He hated telling people about his problems, showing himself so vulnerable.
"Like what?" Lash sounded genuinely confused. "Being angry, cos in the circumstances that's pretty normal?"
"Yeah, but I don't like it when people know...my business. It's private. I can't believe they went to my boss. Soon enough the nurses will start talking and everyone knows Ai'lani can't keep a secret. It's so humiliating," Kaelin groaned, throwing an arm over his eyes.
Kaelin felt the sofa creak slightly as Lash settled down next to him, and then laid his head on the Deltan's shoulder. "Its bad now. But it'll pass. It'll be old news by next week."
"Yeah, when one of my female thirteen year old patients come in weighing less than she should and when I tell her she doesn't need to be skinny to feel better she'll say 'You're one to talk!'" Kaelin's voice took on a more high-pitched tone to mimic a teenage girl's voice as he said the last. "Ugh...just shoot me now." He scooted closer to Lash's warm body next to him and rested his head on the younger man's, instinctively reaching down and taking his hand, entwining their fingers.
"You wouldn't tell her that anyway," Lash murmured. "You know that doesn't work. You're better than your colleagues."
"Yeah, I guess," Kaelin agreed, then sighed, closing his eyes for a moment. "This feels really nice," he said softly after a few minutes of comfortable silence, his thumb caressing Lash's hand.
"mmmhmm" Lash mumbled his agreement, and returned the gesture, thumb running up and down the length of Kaelin's fingers.
"Don't fall asleep on me," Kaelin warned gently, moving his head to place a small kiss on Lash's hair.
"No chance of that," the half-vulcan muttered, pressing himself closer to Kaelin, making him smile a little wider.
"You're like a little bunny rabbit. If you're warm and stay still for too long, you fall sleep," Kaelin chuckled, slipping one hand behind Lash's back to hold him against himself.
Lash snaked an arm around Kaelin's waste in return, turning his body in to the older man's. "I can wag my bobtail for you if you'ld like."
"I totally set myself up for that one, didn't I?" Kaelin asked with grin. "And as much as that might make me feel better by giving me a good laugh," he joked, giving the half-Vulcan's side an affectionate squeeze. "I don't think it would really help."
"Yup, you did. And a good laugh always helps. Are you sure you don't want to see my bobtail?"
"I think we can put that off for now, sweetie," Kaelin told him, watching Lash's bangs fall over his eyes again. This time, with the man so close, he couldn't resist reaching up and slipping his fingers into it to pull it back and let his hand rest in his hair for a while. After a long moment, Lash began to stroke Kaelin's side idly, fingers moving smoothly and reassuringly along his ribs. They sat like that for a while, losing track of time as they just enjoyed the other's company and the closeness.
"Thank you for coming over tonight. I'm really happy you're here," Kaelin said softly, his hand having left Lash's hair and was gently caressing the back of his neck.
Lash managed to murmur, "is nuffin," he was basking in Kaelin's unconscious empathic broadcast, warm and relaxed and content, and wriggled up a little to press a small kiss to Kaelin's collarbone. Kaelin breathing hitched a little at the soft contact, feeling a little tingle go down his back that wasn't at all unpleasant. With the two cuddled together so closely, it wasn't hard to slide his hand away from the half-Vulcan's neck and brush his fingertips over his jawline, finally tipping his chin to the side so that he could meet his eyes.
Lash's hazel eyes looked at him intently, and he seemed to be holding his breath, yet reaching out to him at the same time.
Kaelin's gaze lowered momentarily to examine the younger man's face before he looked into his eyes once more. Caressing his cheek with his fingertips, Kaelin kept his hand in place there as he slowly leaned in, his blue eyes closing just as their lips met in a firm but tender kiss. Lash's mouth was warm and plump under his, and tasted faintly of spice. the boy didn't rush anything, just leaned forward gently to enjoy every moment, his own eyes closed in bliss.
Kaelin sighed gently through his nose, tilting his head a little, the press of his lips becoming a little more firm against Lash's as their kiss grew more comfortable. His fingers continued to caress the hybrid's cheek before slipping behind his neck to hold him gently in place.
Lash shifted so he slid across Kaelin, kneeling astride him on the sofa, unwilling to break the kiss, only pushing harder against the other man's mouth.
Kaelin let out a small, surprised moan into Lash's eager kiss but, despite his better judgment, didn't resist. Instead he just let go, for now anyway, and slid his hands up Lash's thighs until they reached his hips, the tips of his fingers caressing the warm skin that became exposed as Lash's shirt rode up a little.
The boy signed into Kaelin's open mouth, and then pulled back to plant hungry kisses along the Deltan's jaw, until he was biting the skin behind the ear. His delight at being in Kaelin's arms was obvious, digging in against Kaelin's stomach.
Kaelin closed his eyes, leaning his head back against the couch, exposing more of his neck to Lash and letting out soft gasps as the younger man explored his sensitive skin. Unable to resist, his hand reaching up, Kaelin let his fingers tangle into Lash's hair, giving it a slight tug to crash their lips together in another heated kiss while his other hand slipped under the front Lash's thin shirt.
At the tugging on his hair, Lash moaned, but not in pain, arching his back and grinding himself against Kaelin, kissing him as if he wanted to be sucked inside. Feeling him pressing against him, Kaelin moaned back, responding instinctively as his hand continued to explore Lash's front.
Lash's own hand covered Kaelin's and pushed it down to his groin. "please!" he whispered, his voice thick with lust and desperation.
Hearing Lash's begging tone, Kaelin let out a low groan against his neck, biting gently at his jawline as his hands worked deftly at his belt.
It was at that moment that the front door of Kaelin's quarters slid open, revealing Phillip, who walked in quickly, only to nearly stumble over his own feet at the site that greeted him.
“Oh, God!” he couldn’t resist calling out, his hands instinctively covering his face. “My eyes!”
The realisation that they were no longer alone hit Kaelin like a bucket of cold water and he felt a shiver go through him as he pulled back from Lash, still flushed and slightly shaking from desire.
"Phillip! W-what the hell are you d-doing here!?" Kaelin asked, cursing his voice for the way it faltered, still high on emotion.
"I live here..." the redhead said simply, still blushing to the tips of his ears.
The disappointment Lash felt was palpable, it was like kicking a puppy.
“No!” Lash’s voice was full of thwarted desire and frustration. He twisted on the couch to see Philip, and glared at him. If looks could kill, Phillip would have vaporised. There wouldn't be so much as molecular dust.
Phillip looked again and frowned at Lash. “Why are you staring at me like that? You’re the one with his hand in your pants” he said, his voice even higher than normal as he stared at them in outrage.
Lash pulled it out,looking sulky. “no reason, i’ve just had the mood spoilt by some idiot from engineering”
“Oh, I’m sorry, but I actually live here! You should’ve done this in your quarters! I EAT on that couch!” Phillip exclaimed. “And you!” He turned his attention to Kaelin, who seemed to be trying to get his breathing to go back to normal. The Deltan looked up.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” he asked him, his voice carrying a seriousness that hadn’t been there during his talk with Lash.
Kaelin frowned, shaking his head once as if trying to adjust something inside it. He blinked a few times and looked around like he was just noticing his position for the first time.
“I-I...” he began, then looked up at Lash, suddenly looking incredibly upset. “Oh God...” he groaned, gently lifting Lash off of his lap and settling him as gently as possible on the couch next to him.
“No,” Lash muttered, “No gods involved, unless the Deltan god is the patron of poor timing”
“I’m gonna go,” Phillip told them before going into his room at a pace that was close to a run. Left alone, Kaelin continued to sit next to Lash. What the hell am I thinking? he thought to himself. Was he thinking? Was he really? He looked up at Lash for the first time since getting off of him and met his eyes. “I’m sorry...” he said softly, still looking incredibly upset. Which he was, considering his actions.
“Its that prat who should be apologising.” Lash muttered. “And they wonder why operations and engineering don’t get on.” He turned back to Kaelin reaching out to him.
Instead of letting Lash get a hold of him, Kaelin took his hand in his. “We can’t do this,” he told him, swallowing hard.
For a moment his mouth opened to protest, but in the end the half-Vulcan settled for - “Are you sure?”
Kaelin closed his eyes for a moment, trying to push away the feeling of hurt he could feel behind Lash’s words. Not wanting him to feel completely rejected, Kaelin slid closer to him on the couch, their thighs brushing together now.
He held his hand, caressing it tenderly with his own for a moment before speaking. “I really love spending time with you,” he began, finally looking up to meet Lash, hoping he’d see the sincerity behind what he was saying. “I can’t really describe how happy it makes me,” he admitted.
“But...we can’t be together. Not in the way we want. It’s not safe for you, and I’d hate if you got hurt because of me,” Kaelin explained. He knew there really was no way he and Lash would work out in the long run. They weren’t human or idealistic enough to cling to some notion of how feelings were all that matter. Bring physically able to express their feelings was an enormous part of who they both were.
“Why isn’t it safe?” Lash sounded confused as well as hurt. “I’m tougher and stronger than most, I’m part vulcan.”
Kaelin gave him a soft half smile, resisting to urge to caress his still flushed cheek. “Lash, it’s not a matter of your body handling it. It’s your mind I’m worried about. Your brain isn’t made to handle that many sensations at once. It could damage your brain and your mind in the process, and I don’t want to risk it,” he explained. “You have a beautiful mind and I’d hate for anything to happen to it.”
Lash gave him a look. “Half vulcan, half risian! I was made for sensation!”
“No, you weren’t, Lash. Not like this,” Kaelin insisted. “There’s only a handful of species that can process them and Vulcans and Risians aren’t them. Although...” he hesitated, furrowing his eyebrows in a sudden show of deep thought.
Lash grabbed for the hanging vine of hope, not sure that it wouldn’t turn out to be a snake. “Although?”
“Well, you’re...a mix. And Vulcans and Risian failed the tests on Delta IV for opposite reasons. The Vulcan body and brain are perfectly strong enough but the mentality can’t really wrap itself around sexuality to be compatible with a Deltan’s psyche when the two merge during sex. And the Risian’s aren’t physically prepared for it, much like humans, but their openness about sex and views on it are more or less compatible with Deltans. So..”.
“So its worth a try!” Lash burst in
“I mean, there’s no guarantee for it working, but maybe I could look through some research and ask a few people from back home to see...” Kaelin felt a hesitant smile appearing on his face at the possibility.
“So go for it.” Lash was grinning like a cheshire cat. “Don’t wait, start now.” He patted Kaelin on the crotch. “It will help take your mind off it”
Kaelin laughed, shaking his head at him. “You are shameless. For a Vulcan, anyway,” he said, leaning over and kissing him full on the lips, cupping his cheek.
Lash slid his hands over Kaelin’s waist and down to cup his ass, squeezing it between his fingers. “Shame is illogical.” he murmured against the Deltan’s mouth.
“Mmm...” Kaelin moaned back lightly before grabbing onto the front of Lash’s shirt and pushing him away. “We can’t do that, remember? Research first,” he told him, though it was obvious he was as eager to be close to Lash as the younger man was to be close to him.
Lash pouted at him, eye’s lidded and lust filled. Then he blinked, and seemed to pull himself in. “You’re right.”
“Of course I am,” Kaelin said a bit smugly, slipping his hands into Lash’s again and entwining their fingers. “So, do you want to meet for breakfast tomorrow morning?”
“I’d rather stay the night and eat here.” He held up his hand to quickly forestall any protest. “I know. I know.” He squeezed out from Kaelin’s embrace “Replimat? 7.30?”
“Deal,” Kaelin nodded, standing up from the couch and doing up his pants after noticing they were still undone. “I’ll walk you out,” he said with a smile.
::OFF::
JP by
Ensign Kaelin Niers
Pathology Resident
Main Sickbay - DS5
by Maja
and
Crewman Lash
Operations
DS5
by (G) Arrain - Lieutenant Arrienye t'Merek & Alderman Yolanthe Ibalin
Post Details
| Title | Close but no cigar | |
| Mission | Judgement | |
| Author(s) | (G) Arrain - Lieutenant Arrienye t'Merek & Alderman Yolanthe Ibalin | |
| Posted | Thu Oct 06, 2011 @ 8:33pm | |
| Location | Kaelin and Phillip's quarters | |
| Timeline | SD39 - 15:00 |
His humiliation and anger burning inside him, Kaelin could barely wait to get to his quarters to finally have a proper meltdown. He'd tried to get his mind to think that Ai'lani and Bridget had the best of intentions but found himself unable to truly focus enough to do it properly. On the way to his quarters, he opened the comm line to Lash.
“Hey, Lash, it’s Kaelin. I’m going to have to cancel tonight’s plans. I’m not feeling well so I’m off to my quarters for the night. Sorry. I’ll talk to you soon.”
The message was quick and to the point as Kaelin didn’t trust himself to say much more. He was sure he’d passed several people he knew but didn’t say anything and they could clearly see his distress by the way he hurriedly made his way to the deck his quarters were on. Unlocking his door, Kaelin was once again thankful that he and his roommates often had opposite shifts so he’d be alone until the much later in the day. Once inside, the pathologist took his jacket off and tossed it aside, wanting to take a shower in the hope of relaxing his muscles at least a little.
Lash sat back on his stool, surprised at Kaelin's brusque tone. Ordinarily he would have just shrugged and got on with whatever he was doing, which was currently drinking and waiting for the Deltan. He didn't sound right, or happy. He sat on his stool for a bit, deciding what to do. After a minute or two he finished his rum, and headed down to Kaelin's quarters and then leant on the bell until Kaelin opened it.
Fresh from the shower, Kaelin found himself annoyed at the insisted buzzing filling his quarters. Halfway through getting dressed, the Deltan stomped his way to the front door, slipping on a shirt as he did so to cover himself before opening the door. He blinked in surprise, seeing Lash there.
"Didn't you get my message?" he asked once he got over it.
Lash stepped forwards, meaning to give the Deltan a bear hug, thinking calming, happy thoughts, childhood memories filled with love and and steadiness.
But Kaelin instinctively took a step back to avoid the closeness. "What are you doing?" he asked with a slight frown.
Lash froze, and the same look of confused hurt Kaelin had seen when Lash had first tried to kiss him came back into his face. "I just wanted to give you a hug. You look liked you needed it."
"No thanks," Kaelin said, going inside his quarters, leaving the door open in a silent invitation for Lash to join him. As upset as he was, he really didn't want to be alone, even though he knew he wasn't going to be good company.
A little hurt and a lot confused, Lash followed him in. "What happened?"
"I got into a fight with some friends. It's nothing. You want something to drink?" Kaelin asked, turning to look at Lash as he reached the replicator.
"Brandy Alexander, frozen" Lash said. "What happened?"
"It doesn't matter. You wouldn't understand," Kaelin told him, replicating their drinks and handing Lash his. He didn't mean for his tone to sound condescending but once it was said, he couldn't deny its presence in his voice.
"Who said anything about understanding. I want to know who to punch for ruining my date."
"Yeah, that's mature," Kaelin said sarcastically, rolling his eyes in frustration, whatever hope he had of maybe Lash being mature enough for him to tell him anything more about himself flying out the airlock. In retrospect, he'd come to realise it was just the hurt from betrayal that made him so touchy but at that moment, he could just tell this conversation was going to go downhill fast.
"More mature than sulking in my room." Lash replied brightly. "Least its tackling the issue head on."
"You don't even know what the issue is," Kaelin told him, sitting down on the couch. "And I'm not going to tell you because you're vain and shallow, remember?"
"You're not going to tell me cos you're a stubborn cuss who wants to wallow in it." Lash sucked noisily on his drink. "So nuh."
"Fine, then I assume you don't want to hang around and watch me wallow," Kaelin shot back, his tone clearly implying he had very little patience with Lash's childish behaviour. The fact that he was so annoyed right now just gave him a whole new level of hurt as he realized that any fantasy he might've been harboring about actually having anything more with Lash was impossible with the way the halfbreed acted during these types of situations.
"Fuck no." Lash sucked the last of the cocktail up through its straw with a loud and irritating noise. "But I'm going to do it anyway."
"Why?" Kaelin asked, crossing his arms over his chest after he downed his drink as well and put the glass on the table a little more forcefully than was necessary.
"Because you shouldn't be alone in this sort of mood. I've seen it with the kids in the trauma counseling sessions. I leave you alone you;ll start burning down the furniture or memorising old earthy comedy or speak in nothing but rhyming couplets and that will put me right off my stride."
Kaelin didn't say anything for a long time, and Lash could almost see the wheels turning in his head as the Deltan tried to come up with a good comeback but came up short. He knew Lash had a point, he shouldn't be alone. "Fine," he nodded.
"Good." Lash held out his glass. "Same again please."
Kaelin replicated another drink for Lash and handed it to him before sitting down again. They sat in silence for a few minutes with Kaelin watching Lash, seeming to consider him and Lash could almost feel Kaelin trying to get a read on his feelings. He finally shifted awkwardly before speaking. "Did you ever have your friends try to help you but end up making your life ten times worse?"
Lash thought about it. "No. Think the best they ever managed was a times four. Maybe a times five."
Kaelin sighed, unsure whether he found Lash's way of trying to cheer him up amusing or annoying. Like most things Lash did, coincidentally. "Well mine's a ten now. They found out I had a problem and went and told my boss. And Medical is like the place they put the first plank when they began making the rumor mill. It'll be all over the base sooner or later."
"What will?"
"That I had...problems," Kaelin managed to somehow spit out, shifting uncomfortably. He should've figured subtlety wasn't a Lash trait.
"Is it going to get you kicked out of starfleet?"
"Probably not."
"Get you demoted?"
"No," Kaelin said, slight irritation seeping into his voice.
"Defrocked or debarred or whatever they do to doctors?"
"No!"
"Then is it really a big deal?" Lash shrugged. "In a hundred years who's gonna care?"
"I'm anorexic!" Kaelin finally snapped. As the word's left his lips, he felt a bit of his internal tension ease. Although he was in no state for much deep thinking, he'd later realise this was actually the first time he'd admitted to it to someone other than his therapist using those direct words.
Lash looked like he'd had all the wind knocked out of him. "Oh." He couldn't look at the Deltan "Well, that explains the healthy food obsession."
Kaelin sighed. "Well, I'm not anorexic anymore. Well, technically I still am, but I'm not. I used to be. I've been in treatment for the last three years. I'm not in perfect mental shape but I'm not slowly killing myself and wasting away like I was four years ago," the Deltan explained. "Right now, I'm only seeing my assigned counselor once every two weeks and I'm perfectly fine. I have a healthy diet, and a healthy exercise plan. But this is my business and no one else’s."
"Except your colleagues don't seem to think so?" Lash guessed.
"Well, the other day, when I had lunch with you at that Vulcan Tea Room, I told Bridget that I was going to lunch with Ai'lani. Don't be offended, I was just worried you'd tell me to get lost and didn't want them knowing about it," Kaelin explained hastily, not wanting Lash to get the wrong idea.
"Somehow she caught up with Lani and found out about it and my fellow Deltan put together all his information on my eating habits he's gathered over the two weeks we've known each other and came up with the idea that I'm anorexic," Kaelin explained, annoyed that Ai'lani thought he knew him in just two weeks and even more annoyed that he'd hit the nail right on the head with his conclusion that Kaelin had an eating disorder. Maybe he didn't give Ai'lani enough credit as an investigator.
"And does he, as any good friend, come to speak to me about it? No, he finds Bridget, who thinks it's her sworn duty to save everyone by offering her 40-something human wisdom, and that's an oxymoron if I've ever heard one, and they decide to help me. Now, do they come up to me now? Of course not!" By now Kaelin frustration was coming back.
"They go to, get this, my boss, or in this case, the Assistant CMO, and tell him everything. They also go to the counselor's office and get me a therapist. Now, because of the doctor-patient confidentiality clause, my own private therapist can't say anything to them, of course, adding to the whole fucked up situation. Then, Bridget and Ai’lani decide to gang up on me to have an intervention that was so graceful and caring, filled with "expertise", if it had happened four years ago, I would've killed myself." By the time Kaelin finished his rant, he looked red in the face, but somehow a little more calm, happy that he'd managed to his frustrations out. He didn't know what kind of response he'd get from Lash, but he was glad for his presence anyway.
Lash rocked back slightly under the vehemence of Kaelin's frustration and anger. "That's shit." He looked around Kaelin's berth, trying to decide what to say next. "That's really shit." He looked at the Deltan with big puppy dog eyes. "Can I do anything?"
Kaelin's gaze softened slightly at Lash looking at him, wanting to kick himself for the fact that he couldn't deny the affection he had for the younger man at that moment. "Not really. You've done enough just by being able to sit there and listen to me rant and unload. I'm sorry you have to see me like this. I don't want anyone seeing me like this," he added with a sigh, flopping back down onto his couch next to Lash and resting his head back, closing his eyes a moment. He hated telling people about his problems, showing himself so vulnerable.
"Like what?" Lash sounded genuinely confused. "Being angry, cos in the circumstances that's pretty normal?"
"Yeah, but I don't like it when people know...my business. It's private. I can't believe they went to my boss. Soon enough the nurses will start talking and everyone knows Ai'lani can't keep a secret. It's so humiliating," Kaelin groaned, throwing an arm over his eyes.
Kaelin felt the sofa creak slightly as Lash settled down next to him, and then laid his head on the Deltan's shoulder. "Its bad now. But it'll pass. It'll be old news by next week."
"Yeah, when one of my female thirteen year old patients come in weighing less than she should and when I tell her she doesn't need to be skinny to feel better she'll say 'You're one to talk!'" Kaelin's voice took on a more high-pitched tone to mimic a teenage girl's voice as he said the last. "Ugh...just shoot me now." He scooted closer to Lash's warm body next to him and rested his head on the younger man's, instinctively reaching down and taking his hand, entwining their fingers.
"You wouldn't tell her that anyway," Lash murmured. "You know that doesn't work. You're better than your colleagues."
"Yeah, I guess," Kaelin agreed, then sighed, closing his eyes for a moment. "This feels really nice," he said softly after a few minutes of comfortable silence, his thumb caressing Lash's hand.
"mmmhmm" Lash mumbled his agreement, and returned the gesture, thumb running up and down the length of Kaelin's fingers.
"Don't fall asleep on me," Kaelin warned gently, moving his head to place a small kiss on Lash's hair.
"No chance of that," the half-vulcan muttered, pressing himself closer to Kaelin, making him smile a little wider.
"You're like a little bunny rabbit. If you're warm and stay still for too long, you fall sleep," Kaelin chuckled, slipping one hand behind Lash's back to hold him against himself.
Lash snaked an arm around Kaelin's waste in return, turning his body in to the older man's. "I can wag my bobtail for you if you'ld like."
"I totally set myself up for that one, didn't I?" Kaelin asked with grin. "And as much as that might make me feel better by giving me a good laugh," he joked, giving the half-Vulcan's side an affectionate squeeze. "I don't think it would really help."
"Yup, you did. And a good laugh always helps. Are you sure you don't want to see my bobtail?"
"I think we can put that off for now, sweetie," Kaelin told him, watching Lash's bangs fall over his eyes again. This time, with the man so close, he couldn't resist reaching up and slipping his fingers into it to pull it back and let his hand rest in his hair for a while. After a long moment, Lash began to stroke Kaelin's side idly, fingers moving smoothly and reassuringly along his ribs. They sat like that for a while, losing track of time as they just enjoyed the other's company and the closeness.
"Thank you for coming over tonight. I'm really happy you're here," Kaelin said softly, his hand having left Lash's hair and was gently caressing the back of his neck.
Lash managed to murmur, "is nuffin," he was basking in Kaelin's unconscious empathic broadcast, warm and relaxed and content, and wriggled up a little to press a small kiss to Kaelin's collarbone. Kaelin breathing hitched a little at the soft contact, feeling a little tingle go down his back that wasn't at all unpleasant. With the two cuddled together so closely, it wasn't hard to slide his hand away from the half-Vulcan's neck and brush his fingertips over his jawline, finally tipping his chin to the side so that he could meet his eyes.
Lash's hazel eyes looked at him intently, and he seemed to be holding his breath, yet reaching out to him at the same time.
Kaelin's gaze lowered momentarily to examine the younger man's face before he looked into his eyes once more. Caressing his cheek with his fingertips, Kaelin kept his hand in place there as he slowly leaned in, his blue eyes closing just as their lips met in a firm but tender kiss. Lash's mouth was warm and plump under his, and tasted faintly of spice. the boy didn't rush anything, just leaned forward gently to enjoy every moment, his own eyes closed in bliss.
Kaelin sighed gently through his nose, tilting his head a little, the press of his lips becoming a little more firm against Lash's as their kiss grew more comfortable. His fingers continued to caress the hybrid's cheek before slipping behind his neck to hold him gently in place.
Lash shifted so he slid across Kaelin, kneeling astride him on the sofa, unwilling to break the kiss, only pushing harder against the other man's mouth.
Kaelin let out a small, surprised moan into Lash's eager kiss but, despite his better judgment, didn't resist. Instead he just let go, for now anyway, and slid his hands up Lash's thighs until they reached his hips, the tips of his fingers caressing the warm skin that became exposed as Lash's shirt rode up a little.
The boy signed into Kaelin's open mouth, and then pulled back to plant hungry kisses along the Deltan's jaw, until he was biting the skin behind the ear. His delight at being in Kaelin's arms was obvious, digging in against Kaelin's stomach.
Kaelin closed his eyes, leaning his head back against the couch, exposing more of his neck to Lash and letting out soft gasps as the younger man explored his sensitive skin. Unable to resist, his hand reaching up, Kaelin let his fingers tangle into Lash's hair, giving it a slight tug to crash their lips together in another heated kiss while his other hand slipped under the front Lash's thin shirt.
At the tugging on his hair, Lash moaned, but not in pain, arching his back and grinding himself against Kaelin, kissing him as if he wanted to be sucked inside. Feeling him pressing against him, Kaelin moaned back, responding instinctively as his hand continued to explore Lash's front.
Lash's own hand covered Kaelin's and pushed it down to his groin. "please!" he whispered, his voice thick with lust and desperation.
Hearing Lash's begging tone, Kaelin let out a low groan against his neck, biting gently at his jawline as his hands worked deftly at his belt.
It was at that moment that the front door of Kaelin's quarters slid open, revealing Phillip, who walked in quickly, only to nearly stumble over his own feet at the site that greeted him.
“Oh, God!” he couldn’t resist calling out, his hands instinctively covering his face. “My eyes!”
The realisation that they were no longer alone hit Kaelin like a bucket of cold water and he felt a shiver go through him as he pulled back from Lash, still flushed and slightly shaking from desire.
"Phillip! W-what the hell are you d-doing here!?" Kaelin asked, cursing his voice for the way it faltered, still high on emotion.
"I live here..." the redhead said simply, still blushing to the tips of his ears.
The disappointment Lash felt was palpable, it was like kicking a puppy.
“No!” Lash’s voice was full of thwarted desire and frustration. He twisted on the couch to see Philip, and glared at him. If looks could kill, Phillip would have vaporised. There wouldn't be so much as molecular dust.
Phillip looked again and frowned at Lash. “Why are you staring at me like that? You’re the one with his hand in your pants” he said, his voice even higher than normal as he stared at them in outrage.
Lash pulled it out,looking sulky. “no reason, i’ve just had the mood spoilt by some idiot from engineering”
“Oh, I’m sorry, but I actually live here! You should’ve done this in your quarters! I EAT on that couch!” Phillip exclaimed. “And you!” He turned his attention to Kaelin, who seemed to be trying to get his breathing to go back to normal. The Deltan looked up.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” he asked him, his voice carrying a seriousness that hadn’t been there during his talk with Lash.
Kaelin frowned, shaking his head once as if trying to adjust something inside it. He blinked a few times and looked around like he was just noticing his position for the first time.
“I-I...” he began, then looked up at Lash, suddenly looking incredibly upset. “Oh God...” he groaned, gently lifting Lash off of his lap and settling him as gently as possible on the couch next to him.
“No,” Lash muttered, “No gods involved, unless the Deltan god is the patron of poor timing”
“I’m gonna go,” Phillip told them before going into his room at a pace that was close to a run. Left alone, Kaelin continued to sit next to Lash. What the hell am I thinking? he thought to himself. Was he thinking? Was he really? He looked up at Lash for the first time since getting off of him and met his eyes. “I’m sorry...” he said softly, still looking incredibly upset. Which he was, considering his actions.
“Its that prat who should be apologising.” Lash muttered. “And they wonder why operations and engineering don’t get on.” He turned back to Kaelin reaching out to him.
Instead of letting Lash get a hold of him, Kaelin took his hand in his. “We can’t do this,” he told him, swallowing hard.
For a moment his mouth opened to protest, but in the end the half-Vulcan settled for - “Are you sure?”
Kaelin closed his eyes for a moment, trying to push away the feeling of hurt he could feel behind Lash’s words. Not wanting him to feel completely rejected, Kaelin slid closer to him on the couch, their thighs brushing together now.
He held his hand, caressing it tenderly with his own for a moment before speaking. “I really love spending time with you,” he began, finally looking up to meet Lash, hoping he’d see the sincerity behind what he was saying. “I can’t really describe how happy it makes me,” he admitted.
“But...we can’t be together. Not in the way we want. It’s not safe for you, and I’d hate if you got hurt because of me,” Kaelin explained. He knew there really was no way he and Lash would work out in the long run. They weren’t human or idealistic enough to cling to some notion of how feelings were all that matter. Bring physically able to express their feelings was an enormous part of who they both were.
“Why isn’t it safe?” Lash sounded confused as well as hurt. “I’m tougher and stronger than most, I’m part vulcan.”
Kaelin gave him a soft half smile, resisting to urge to caress his still flushed cheek. “Lash, it’s not a matter of your body handling it. It’s your mind I’m worried about. Your brain isn’t made to handle that many sensations at once. It could damage your brain and your mind in the process, and I don’t want to risk it,” he explained. “You have a beautiful mind and I’d hate for anything to happen to it.”
Lash gave him a look. “Half vulcan, half risian! I was made for sensation!”
“No, you weren’t, Lash. Not like this,” Kaelin insisted. “There’s only a handful of species that can process them and Vulcans and Risians aren’t them. Although...” he hesitated, furrowing his eyebrows in a sudden show of deep thought.
Lash grabbed for the hanging vine of hope, not sure that it wouldn’t turn out to be a snake. “Although?”
“Well, you’re...a mix. And Vulcans and Risian failed the tests on Delta IV for opposite reasons. The Vulcan body and brain are perfectly strong enough but the mentality can’t really wrap itself around sexuality to be compatible with a Deltan’s psyche when the two merge during sex. And the Risian’s aren’t physically prepared for it, much like humans, but their openness about sex and views on it are more or less compatible with Deltans. So..”.
“So its worth a try!” Lash burst in
“I mean, there’s no guarantee for it working, but maybe I could look through some research and ask a few people from back home to see...” Kaelin felt a hesitant smile appearing on his face at the possibility.
“So go for it.” Lash was grinning like a cheshire cat. “Don’t wait, start now.” He patted Kaelin on the crotch. “It will help take your mind off it”
Kaelin laughed, shaking his head at him. “You are shameless. For a Vulcan, anyway,” he said, leaning over and kissing him full on the lips, cupping his cheek.
Lash slid his hands over Kaelin’s waist and down to cup his ass, squeezing it between his fingers. “Shame is illogical.” he murmured against the Deltan’s mouth.
“Mmm...” Kaelin moaned back lightly before grabbing onto the front of Lash’s shirt and pushing him away. “We can’t do that, remember? Research first,” he told him, though it was obvious he was as eager to be close to Lash as the younger man was to be close to him.
Lash pouted at him, eye’s lidded and lust filled. Then he blinked, and seemed to pull himself in. “You’re right.”
“Of course I am,” Kaelin said a bit smugly, slipping his hands into Lash’s again and entwining their fingers. “So, do you want to meet for breakfast tomorrow morning?”
“I’d rather stay the night and eat here.” He held up his hand to quickly forestall any protest. “I know. I know.” He squeezed out from Kaelin’s embrace “Replimat? 7.30?”
“Deal,” Kaelin nodded, standing up from the couch and doing up his pants after noticing they were still undone. “I’ll walk you out,” he said with a smile.
::OFF::
JP by
Ensign Kaelin Niers
Pathology Resident
Main Sickbay - DS5
by Maja
and
Crewman Lash
Operations
DS5